Band today, Gone tomorrow

Good Morning Everyone,

To catch you up from my last blog.

I had a band fitted a number of years ago on the advice of a spinal surgeon in an attempt to lose weight prior to spinal surgery to repair 3 ruptured disks in my back. The band was a nightmare along the way and lead to a number of issues I had to deal with.  My Surgeon is a wonderful Doctor and person, I very much admire the work he does and the dedication to his patients. After my revisional surgery I had a number of ongoing issues and surgeries, due to blockage issues that ended up being cause by allergy reactions to foods I could no longer tolerate. During this time I would ask, So what normally happens in this situation, or what should I normally expect. My Doctor would usually have the same reply. There is very little normal about what you have been through or about this surgery.  Life from this point on is about living with a new series of problems and issues to deal with, albeit different issues to what you had previously, but issues nonetheless. My Revisional surgery was done on March 14th 2016. Now I am a very goal driven person and a goal setter so of course I set goals for myself with weight loss.  You would think I would have learned along this journey what disappointment or failure can do to derail your process.

I was turning 50 on November 22nd 2016 and I desperately wanted to react 99.9kg by that date.  That would be success for me and to actually hit double figures would be a miracle, a miracle that I so desperately wanted and needed. I had not been under 100kg is over 25 years, my children never knew me as the man I did. I had always been Fat Dad. So I was going to start the second half of my life with a BOOM. Winner Winner Chicken Dinner..  Easy Right…!!!!  I had 36 weeks to get there and at 2kg a week weight loss which was so easily achievable.

Well with lots of complications through surgery and life getting in the way I missed it by a mile in my eyes.  I was 109kg for my birthday and that crushed me for a week.  I had kept being stuck on weight blocks post-surgery. The closer I was getting to my goal the harder and harder it was becoming to get there. My weight loss had stalled many times in the past few months as it had many times before. I just had to reach my goal, I had been to hell and back through many surgeries and hospital stays.  How could I possibly go through all of this and still be FAT!!!!

March 14th 2017, was a very big day for me. It was exactly 12 months to the day since I had Revisionary Gastric Bypass surgery. It wasn’t just a normal surgery at all, it was revisionary and very complex with lots of complications.

That morning I had prepared myself to step onto the bathroom scale to see if I have reached my own personal goal of DOUBLE FIGURES.  I had barely eaten in the previous few days, I made sure I had pee’d poop’d and not ingested a single thing in 12 hours. We all know those tricks to try and manipulate the scales on injustice that rule our lives. Today was the day those magical number would come up for me like Fat Lotto. They would give me some reward for the year from hell.  My Surgeon had set me a target of 110kg as where he thought I would settle with my weight loss.  I was not pleased at all with that and told him so very clearly. Dr George told me that he hoped I would reach my goal but history told him that 110kg was likely to be where I ended up. OVER MY DEAD BODY I told him.  If you think I am going through all of this to still be fat You are WRONG I firmly told him. The poor bastard probably hears that 3 times a day at least from the desperate and drowning clients in his rooms.

So here I was March 14th and I had been to the bathroom and was stripped down ready for my morning shower. I was afraid to stand on the scale as it was going to tell me the truth. I had either achieved what I had set as a major goal in my journey or I had failed. There was no two ways about this outcome, my weight either starts with a 9 or still starts with a 1. I took a big deep breath and then exhaled out every single bit of air I could just in case it weighed something.  I stepped onto the bathroom scale and the numbers flipped around, Up and Down. There were 9’s and 1’s going back and forth.  I was so close but I wasn’t sure exactly where it would stop.

I felt like I was watching the roulette wheel at a casino and I had everything riding on Red 99. Finally, the numbers stopped moving and the flashing stopped, the screen on the bathroom scale illuminated with my weight and I burst into tears.  It was just too much to bare looking down between my feet at these numbers that rule my life.  I had worked so hard, I had done everything I knew to do with 25 years of weight loss experience behind me and now the truth was starring me in the face.

My weight had stopped again and I was stuck on 101kg and I just could not get it to move.  I was still doing lots of work on myself and keeping focused and positive on myself. I was totally crushed and I stood there crying. My heart was broken worse that I think it have ever been before. I was just feeling bottomless despair with myself. I had failed me yet again, why was I such a loser, why was a such a fat bastard and why the hell after I ended up with almost no stomach am I STILL FAT..  WHAT THE HELL TONY I screamed.   2 minutes later I found myself standing in front of the fridge hanging onto the door as I had done over half my life. I was staring into the fridge for something to eat.  I perused every shelf and I just kept looking and looking for something to eat.  Then a small light went on somewhere right in the dark back corner of my brain.

What are you doing right now, are you hungry, I asked myself. I wasn’t hungry at all.  Then what are you doing right now I wondered.  I have done a lot of work on myself so I was very aware of the fragility I felt, so I stayed focused on being gentle with myself. Why are you looking for food and standing in the door of the fridge when you are not hungry?  I was looking for something to put into myself to feel better, to take the pain aware and to bury the despair. I WANTED TO BURY THE DESPAIR!!!! Cover that shit up so I did not have to look at it. That’s what I thought.  This was not the first time I realised that I ate to feel love, the food was a replacement or substitute for love in my life.   But what came NEXT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER.

instead of leaving it there I asked myself another question, I went a step further than I ever had before.

What are you feeling Tony, what are the feeling that you want to appease with food.
The answer I got was NOT what I expected. It was from so far out of left field it left my gobsmacked.

OH MY GOSH, I had no idea.

Over the next few days I pulled it apart and I also just happened to have a session with my therapist set down for the next day. Like a dog with a bone I pulled my emotional being apart and examined it like a boy with a new train set.  I saw myself in a totally new light and I saw something about me I did not know.

I had finally found my block, the glass floor that stopped me every time I tried to lose weight.

Take some time today to think about what You each do in these situations. it gently with yourselves and ask the same questions that I did. PLease write down what you think and feel, it will help you as we move further forward into the journey together.

Have a great day and I will talk to you all tomorrow.  Until then my friends, be kind to yourselves.