So 2 days ago I told you about my lightbulb moment, that split second where my mindset shifted. For the first time I saw myself with clarity and I saw the Demon I was facing. The Demon that had controlled me and haunted me from the shadows all of my life. The Demon that I could blame for all my self-hatred and loathing, I finally had someone to blame for everything in my life that had gone wrong. I know I didn’t tell you what my discovery was in the last post, because I wanted you to all think about what it might be and what it might be for each of you!
Like I said yesterday, instead of just acknowledging I was looking for food to bury my emotions and leaving it there, I asked myself another question. I went a step further than I ever had before.
What are you feeling Tony, what are the feeling that you want to appease with food.
The answer I got was NOT what I expected. It was from so far out of left field it left my gobsmacked.
I felt Overwhelmed with Anxiety, it wasn’t feelings of failure I was trying to cope with. I had failed plenty of times in my life, in fact it felt like I failed every time. It was the Anxiety I felt leading up to standing on the scale that was doing me in. Those feeling that were buried so deep in me I had never seen them before. I had never been aware of feeling anxious in my life yet here I was looking at it once I stripped away the outer layers of self I had buried it under, ANXIETY was looking right back at me. I could not believe it, I was just stunned.
OH MY GOSH, I had no idea.
So now I had the answer I was set. This was going to be easy from here right? Case closed, the villain had been uncovered, now I was going to lose all the weight easily and effortlessly and life would be perfect!
This wasn’t the answer to everything, it was a key that unlocked the first step of my journey forward. Yes it was a huge lock that over the next few weeks would cause a monumental shift in both my weight and my mindset. This was just peeling back another layer of myself. Many years ago, I was told that therapy is not about getting to the answer and then it is all better. Therapy is like peeling a never-ending onion. There is always another layer beneath that layer you are working on.
So, now I had a new layer and a clear agenda to work on. Can you guess what happened over the next few weeks? My weight began moving again and it was moving fast. I lost 4kg over the next 2 weeks and I was also able to make some positive changes in myself to aid this weight-loss. I drink a lot of coffee each day, too much by many people’s standards and I usually drink a Masai sized (591ml or 20oz) Lactose Free Dirty Chai. I would often have 4 or 5 a day, besides containing 8-10 shots of espresso, I was also drinking 2.5 – 3 litres of milk with the coffee. Yes, we need calcium but the amount of sugar that is in commercial milk is huge and I was getting a huge amount of calories from it. I changed my coffee order from a Lactose Free Dirty Chai to a Long Black with Honey and Lemon. Yes I am working on cutting back on my caffeine intake, but small steps kids, fight only one battle at a time.
Each time I found myself looking for food I would stop and ask myself a few questions and wants, needs and desires. It was a slow process, but it was working for me. It is sill a process I use every day of my life. It is NOW a question I ask EVERY time I eat food. Do you need this Tony, or do you Want it. Are you hungry and need to eat, or are you putting food in your mouth to cover emotions you don’t want to look at.
This is just another small tool that we each need in are arsenal for the war on obesity. And it is truly a war my friends, each of you are weary from the battle like I was.
Today I am 63kg lighter than I was when I started this journey. I am immensely happy most of the time, yet there still are morning when I look in the mirror and see FAT TONY looking back at me. And I attack FAT TONY like a pit bull on Meth. I now realise that is just another expression of fear, but I honestly look at myself and my mind is telling me I am a fraud and I look no different. I consciously know that is not true, yet I still have to battle within myself to prove it. I have kept a big coat that at one stage barely fit me to put on at these times to physically remind me just how far I have come and what an amazing job I have done. I am winning the war and I am healthier than I have been in over half my life.
A week and a half ago I finally turned this website on and announced the start date for the program. This triggered 2 days of uncontrolled behaviour because I was terrified of what might happen or what I might face. I was scared to death to tell my story in public and be ridiculed. It brought up some more layers for me to look at and I have been dealing with them ongoing. Now I see them as opportunities to grow and move forward instead of something to run from. Yes it might not be comfortable but I now know enough to feel safe.
My point is, the old pattern still comes up and will run occasionally, usually when we bring up some new layers to look at. Now days though I see them fairly quickly and I have the skill set to work through it and process the information. I had 2 days of out of control behaviour, which I will say is out of control for me now but would not even be a blip on the radar of ten years ago. I recognised it, worked through it and allowed myself the space to do it without berating myself. a slip is just a slip and it will happen again. Now I have the skill set to make it an irregularity, not a commonality.
My sister said to me recently, oh you are like a reformed smoker. Now you want to lecture everyone about being fat! The truth couldn’t be further from the truth. I do not want to tell people where they are going wrong, I want to show them how I managed to find my way out and how they can find their own way out. We can save someone else, we can only provide the opportunity to shine a light into the darkness to help those around us. They still have to do the hard yards to follow the path they discover.
Come to my free webinar to hear more about my journey and how it can help you find your own freedom.